I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
