also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
