Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
