It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
