Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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