My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
