Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You need Xanax blowdarts
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
