he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
