i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
