He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
