you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
