I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
