I need help removing her.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
