Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
