My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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