i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
