Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
