The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
