oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
