I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
