Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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