I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
