I'm sorry my penis didn't work
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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