Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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