He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Randomize
