Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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