best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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