I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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