dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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