I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
