Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
