the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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