woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
