Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
