I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Someone signed my nipple.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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