Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
