when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
