Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
