i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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