the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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