ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
