So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
