I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
