I just saw a hot homeless man
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
