My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
