Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
