I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
