summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize