Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
