He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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