I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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