I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
