there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
