thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
