I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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