In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
