My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
